Mary, I just noticed this "PS - Of all the people here who could least afford (financially) to lose their super sponsor status, I would put Nadine at the top of the list - yet she has been the most resilient and most professional of the lot who have raised their voice here, to her everlasting credit. She quickly sorted herself out and moved on without this great weeping and gnashing of teeth. " and that you gave me credit here.....I am grateful, sis.....for I did try to get them all off the proverbial ledge during that horrid week plus some. My only problem but 10 days later was badly reacting to meds My pulmonary specialist enforced upon me ~ that my body and psyche could not handle.
I know I posted like crazy, but I was trying to boost morale and totally oblivious to copyright infringements, besides mentionning the origins of what I posted. MY BAD. But it was horridly out of character for me, you always told me I was too sweet and needed to be liked. Yes that was and is still somewhat true, however, I find that now- a- days I am putting alot more focus on my own need to like myself, and the way that drug made me act during perhaps 2-3 days was not me at all. I hated the monster it transormed me to, I was totally in a state of paranoia and out of whack, both physically and pycholigically. I shamed myself deplorably. I don't believe I have ever acted in such a self detremental fashion in my life 
! Tomorrow is the last dose of this grand pharma garbage that my body cannot handle. I don't even look like me after 3 weeks on it, my daughter came to wash my hair today and is reacting to me in a state of fear, for she doesn't recognise her own mother. That person was not the me that you all knew and had some respect for before. I am so relieved that tomorrow will be the last day. I am blessed though that so many of you did forgive me, and understood that that was not the woman who had been posting for 6 months with true concern and love for her extended forum family. I can't truly say that I feel much better for all I went through, alas, and I have many friends praying for me when I see the specialists on the 13th. I do know that I am proud of my apology to the family for I had truly shamed myself, and I do believe that Tissa closed myself open to questions from the family to protect me. For this I am grateful, for I was just asking for abuse at that time. I was so ashamed of all I had wittlessly done. I felt I needed punishment, in my paranoia, and when I did get it.....losing something that was precious to me, I just wanted to die.
But I live on....with optimism and a great new set of goals of which I am very proud. A change of mindset, especially now is the work of God, surely. For I am restored, mentally, even ameliorated a version of the old Nadine 
and I have faith that sticking to my goals daily will bring me to my full autonomy and restored self respect 
I am very pleased tonight, for during webinar, I was told I did not have to wait till after the 15th to get myself back up to 100% from 65% in my back office, and with eager typists fingers I went through the forgotten (almost) yet simple step 3. Not on trial pay, that also is not necessary for Tissa was indeed generous to the max when he gave me back twice the 29.95 on paypal. So I will not take advantage of such generosity and go through trial pay, I need to pay my way in life and earn my own money!!!! I also am fully signed up as an affiliate of commission junction, and am so looking forward to starting article writing and blogging. I feel I will excel at these particular methods because I love communicating
I will strive to be a better me than ever before, regardless of any obstacles, I know for certain, that the APS family will always be there to help me. For much like our friend Angela, I am truly technologically challenged. I aspire one day soon, to be starting threads of guidance and "tutorials" but only because I truly want to Pass it Forward, Mary. I love the social medias and Angel is my idol, lol and I must admit that I am truly enthralled with WA
Bear with me folks, for the best of Nadine is yet to come. This is a new year and I am ready, willing, and eager to prove my self to myself and for myself , for I have heard my own cries.
Thanks again, Mary for the kind comment before I went full tilt boogie 
I have learnt much since the dawn of the New Year. Thank you Tissa, Gary, Chris, Mikey and countless other awesome people for stopping me from self destruction.
Looking forward to your feedback from Lost Wages, Mary.....you deserve more than just one pair of shoes, though 
~ Have a great time and safe home dear friend 
To a revived forum and great things ahead for all of us
To Our United front and Success to all in 2010.
Believe it or not, New Year's is on Jan 14th....again according to the Julian calendar, so I get another chance to ring her in 
Nadine
Last edited by Bianca70 (2010-01-08 22:57:09)
